Need to blow some steam.

[luciusad2004]

Hey guys,

Well, after three and a half years, three of which we lived together, my lovely lady decided that I'm "more of a brother or a best friend than a boyfriend." I had suspicions she was cheating and when I confronted her over it last night she drops this on me. I still think she is/was cheating on me as there is obviously some romantic feelings going on between her and another guy but she claims that she was thinking all these things about me being more of a best friend for "a long time now." Were still on speaking terms atm and while she hasn't outright admitted to cheating she hasn't denied it likely because she "doesn't want to lose me as a friend." The only thing she has said is that she swears she hasn't slept with the guy.

I was never prepared for this at all and this is so much harder than I ever imagined. In high school I always got over breakups pretty easily but this time it feels so different, so much worse. I really thought we were going to go all the way and spend our lives together but I guess I was wrong and my hopes have been completely destroyed. I haven't felt this alone in a long time and since I'm now moving back in with my mother about an hour away I don't have any clue what lies ahead of me in my future. The hour commute to work isn't going to cut it for very long so I might be in the market for a new job if I can't transfer to another store.

Sorry to post Emo **** up on TBCS but this is really hurting me and i just needed to speak. I want to get crap off my chest to keep from raging out.

Were gonna meet up a lil later to discuss stuff and as much as I hope it goes well I know there isn't likely any chance of the two of us getting back together.

I just don't know what I'm gonna do guys. Coming from the guy who hates to be touched... I could use a ****in hug.

Anybody have any advice for dealing with the emotions that come with the termination of what was a long term happy relationship?

[Luke122]

Hey man,

I'm sorry to hear about this.. having a bomb like this dropped on you is probably the hardest thing anyone ever has to go through. I've been there myself, so I know what it's like.

All I can tell you is try and stay cool, and look at it as a learning experience. Move on with your life, and try not to look back. In my experience, no matter how much you want to still be a part of her life, it's just not going to work.

Try to stay cool while you work out the logistics of the breakup (moving, splitting up stuff, etc), but certainly don't be afraid to explain to her how you are feeling and why. I always regretted that I never really got any closure when I went through this, but at the same time, I didnt really want to let go of things either.

Stay positive, things will work out. Shoot me an email or something if you need to chat, I'll listen, and help however I can. :)

-Luke

[luciusad2004]

Hey man,

I'm sorry to hear about this.. having a bomb like this dropped on you is probably the hardest thing anyone ever has to go through. I've been there myself, so I know what it's like.

All I can tell you is try and stay cool, and look at it as a learning experience. Move on with your life, and try not to look back. In my experience, no matter how much you want to still be a part of her life, it's just not going to work.

Try to stay cool while you work out the logistics of the breakup (moving, splitting up stuff, etc), but certainly don't be afraid to explain to her how you are feeling and why. I always regretted that I never really got any closure when I went through this, but at the same time, I didnt really want to let go of things either.

Stay positive, things will work out. Shoot me an email or something if you need to chat, I'll listen, and help however I can. :)

-Luke

Thanks for the advice. Nothing to really split up or anything as I lived with her and her parents so it wasn't really "our" household as it was her parents. I've got most of my stuff out already and I'll probably have one more trip later tonight up to my moms. I think she just wants a chance to explain herself in person. She was out at her friends last night when I found out and we ended up breaking up over Instant Message (I know LAME.) she wanted to discuss it in person but I wasn't gonna wait two days with this hangin in the air. She's been pretty up front with me so I'm not sure how much I should/shouldn't trust her. I have known trust issues though and given enough time my mind will start to make stuff up.

Id like to stay friends but as you said... I'm not sure how that'll work out. Maybe after I move on it'll be possible but initially there isn't anyway I'd be able to hang with her without old feelings popping up. I've already explained this to her and I think she understands as much as she doesn't like it.

The biggest thing right now is just trying to keep my cool and not get to deppressed. Thanks for the support : )

[Luke122]

Definitely try to stay positive... at the very least, it's a chance to chase some new women. :)

If you find yourself thinking back to the good times, and doing the "what if" game, just stop yourself, and go find a distraction for a little while. Don't dwell on things, and definitely don't fall into the trap of "maybe things will work out between us."

Just believe that you'll come out of this as a stronger person, with a new experience to help you through life. :)

[blueonblack]

Wow, these are some of the worst times, Luke's right. You're about to go through an identity change. You've been identifying yourself with her for a long time now, now it's just you again. From what I've read, that's probably for the best. That may be hard to see right now but it's true.

The most important thing I can suggest is, again, to stay positive, and stay away from her. Don't talk to her, don't text her, don't IM her, don't send her a telegraph or a wire or even smoke signals. You need some time to settle back into being just you, and she won't help. Once you're settled a little bit and feeling better, then you can deal with her as you feel fit, but not right now.

That sounds like a bunch of physchobabble, I know, but I believe it.

Best of luck, need anything let us (me) know.

[luciusad2004]

Thanks for all the advice guys, We had a long talk today (before I got your advice not to lol) and I think we will make it through this, not as a couple, but we'll make it. She seems to be taking it harder than I am to be honest. I understand why she did the things she did and why she doesn't want to be with me anymore; She understands why I'm so upset with her and while I'll need some time before I can heal or attempt to fully forgive her.

I know it seems unwise but I honestly believe what she was telling me even though my trust in her is diminished. She just doesn't see me as a boyfriend anymore and I don't think thats because of the "other guy" but that the other guy happened because she got caught up in something she wasn't ready for on top of her changing feelings for me. People change, Emotions change, and I can't blame her for that. I can blame her for not telling me sooner and for letting herself get carried away while we were still together and I do. She's aware that this is what hurts me the most and had she come forward with her emotions sooner before the "other" came in to the picture this wouldn't have turned out so ugly. She knows she hurt me and I can tell she is deeply bothered by it. She would have come clean sooner had she not been so afraid of driving me away for ever. We were more open and honest with each other today than at any point I can remember and I don't feel she was just trying to play my emotions.

She want's to remain friends but I told her up front that I'm not sure how thats going to work and that if it does work it will definitly take time. Given time to get over I might be able to handle it but right now it would be to hard.

I'm at my mothers place now and this is the worst I've felt in a long time. I feel so empty and alone that i don't know what to do. I just can't imagine life without her at all. I'm tired but i know If I lay down I wont be able to sleep. I wish this was all a bad dream that was going to go away. It didn't hit me until the hour long ride home by myself just how hard this was going to be. My passenger seat was almost never empty until today.

Thanks for all the support guys (even though I read it to late and pretty much did the opposite of your advice) I really appreciate you guys taking the time to listen to me.

[blueonblack]

No problem at all, it sounds like the communication may have been a good thing. NOW stop talking to her. :) Not forever, not saying that, just take some time to assimilate your new role and to adjust.

[billygoat333]

I agree. having gone through a divorce recently (back in march), I know how bad it can get. but honestly, the best thing you can do is distance yourself from her. it really helps. it was nearly impossible for me because of my son, and having to see my ex every time I got him made it that much harder. but honestly, it would have been much easier not to see her or deal with her. So try that. it will be really really hard for the first little while but will get better. even after not talking for two weeks, you will notice you dont miss her or think about her so much.

once you get to the point where you dont feel like reaching for your phone to tell her something interesting, you should be ready to be friends with her. as it is now, I am ok friends with my ex wife, and can be around her for a while without being too torn up about what happened in the past, because thats what it is, the past. you gotta look forward through the whole thing or else you will get lost. :)

[luciusad2004]

I'm starting to see what you guys mean. I've been trying to keep in touch with her and do the friend thing because I worry about her but I'm not sure its gonna work. I told her I might need a little bit of time with no contact and she's OK with it. She wants to do what it takes for me to be happy. : /

[Luke122]

Like I said, things will get easier, just give it time.

One big mistake I made was falling into depression about it. I hardly went anywhere, or did anything. I stayed home, slept alot, ended up losing my job, my car, and had to move home with my parents. I was deeply suicidal, and couldnt see things getting any better.

It took me almost 2 years to finally break out of it, and get my sh*t back together... my mistake was that I never let go of things.. if I had, I would have likely been fine in a matter of weeks or months.

Keep yourself busy, and be happy. Do things you like, with people you like, and stay active. Take care of yourself both physically and emotionally. Wake up, have a shower and a shave, get dressed, and go out and do something. :)

What have you got for hobbies? Jump into something with both feet!

[luciusad2004]

That's actually part of the problem... I've never been a single adult and I don't know what to do now that I'm alone. I'm at the mall right now just to keep outa the house and keep things offf my mind. I'm so lost. It doesn't help that my moms place is uterly boring.I think I'm coming to terms with her vhange of emotion but everytime I imagine her with someone else it kills me. I want the best for both of us so I'm trying to move on so she can stop feeling bad for hurting me.

I really don't know what to do tho, I don't really have hobbies... What do single adults do?

[Luke122]

Well, instead of imagining her with someone else, imagine YOU with someone else. Haha.. or multiple someones. ;)

As for hobbies, gaming? Got a bike? Go for a ride.. take a drive.. visit a museum, or a movie, or a zoo.. or.. or.. or...

:)

[Airbozo]

Well, instead of imagining her with someone else, imagine YOU with someone else. Haha.. or multiple someones. ;)

As for hobbies, gaming? Got a bike? Go for a ride.. take a drive.. visit a museum, or a movie, or a zoo.. or.. or.. or...

:)

...or MOD SOMETHING!

hehe, couldn't resist.

I know this sounds really lame, but things do happen for a reason. I am not going all religious or philosophical, but in the long run, you will look back on this with fond memories and the knowledge that what you learned in this relationship has helped you with other relationships. The good stuff AND the bad stuff.

I look back on my very first true love with similar memories.

[luciusad2004]

Thanks for all the support guys. I pretty much just drove around today texting my friends nonstop (not while driving I stopped and walked around stores). Im feeling ok as long as I can keep busy but I ran out of stuff to do and found that sitting in my car was letting me think to much so I headed home. Been talking to my mom and trying to keep busy. Saturday's my next day off and I've made plans to go to a party with some friends from when I was in college and hopefully keep my mind off things. Hoping to make some friends maybe. I don't really have a large network of friends as I never was good with people. Now I see why friends are so important.

Have to start looking for a new job soon. I now live an hour away from my place of business and Im already tired of driving that hour down the highway. I don't really want to quit but Im not sure thats gonna work out.

I've never had any hobbies though unfortunately. I wanted to get in to modding when I signed up here but I don't have any tools, or work space, or know how. I do have a torn apart chassis though... guess you gotta start with sumthin.

My mom suggested that I take a couple weeks vacation and drive out to California an visit my dad. Not sure how I feel about that idea though and it would be tough financially. Id love the drive though... would be lonely however.

[blueonblack]

Here I go again, this will sound like a fortune cookie, but it's true: There is a huge difference between being lonely and being alone. You're looking for that difference now. It'll come.

[msmrx57]

Thanks for all the support guys. I pretty much just drove around today texting my friends nonstop (not while driving I stopped and walked around stores). Im feeling ok as long as I can keep busy but I ran out of stuff to do and found that sitting in my car was letting me think to much so I headed home. Been talking to my mom and trying to keep busy. Saturday's my next day off and I've made plans to go to a party with some friends from when I was in college and hopefully keep my mind off things. Hoping to make some friends maybe. I don't really have a large network of friends as I never was good with people. Now I see why friends are so important.

I've never had any hobbies though unfortunately. I wanted to get in to modding when I signed up here but I don't have any tools, or work space, or know how. I do have a torn apart chassis though... guess you gotta start with sumthin.

My mom suggested that I take a couple weeks vacation and drive out to California an visit my dad. Not sure how I feel about that idea though and it would be tough financially. Id love the drive though... would be lonely however.

After my divorce a friend and I road tripped from WI to CA. That was in '97 and it is still some of my best memories. So ya, that's what friends are for. As for hobbies, if your into cars or military stuff models are relatively cheap, and the supplies are to. Just keeping busy can make a huge difference. As far as modding, ask around about old computers. It doesn't need to be functional to start modding it. Just my $0.02. But try and stay positive and don't keep looking back.

[luciusad2004]

Here I go again, this will sound like a fortune cookie, but it's true: There is a huge difference between being lonely and being alone. You're looking for that difference now. It'll come.
I want to say I get ya but I can't be sure I do. I know I'm not alone in fact I never realized how many of my friends would actually be there for me, but I certainly still feel lonely. I guess thats gonna happen after seeing someone for three years on a daily basis, sharing a bed, watching tv, just living, etc... and then having that suddenly gone.


After my divorce a friend and I road tripped from WI to CA. That was in '97 and it is still some of my best memories. So ya, that's what friends are for. As for hobbies, if your into cars or military stuff models are relatively cheap, and the supplies are to. Just keeping busy can make a huge difference. As far as modding, ask around about old computers. It doesn't need to be functional to start modding it. Just my $0.02. But try and stay positive and don't keep looking back.
Id love to do a road trip just not finacially capable right now, I also wouldn't have a friend to take along. It would end up being eight hours of me in a car by myself everyday.
As for modding like I said I got a case that I had planned to mod, I just need to find the tools, time, and place to do it.

As I mentioned I'm going to a party Saturday, this really is a big step for me as I was always very reclusive(not because of her, I've always been that way). This has made me realize how important my friends are to me and I need to get out there and at least try/pretend to connect with people. (I have people issues)

I don't know how I realized this through a break up but it seems pretty important and something i think I should work on in my life.

[billygoat333]

its funny how sometimes things like this are for the better.

I believe that I am a much better person for my divorce. I learned what NOT to do in a relationship. Be it from my mistakes or from hers, and from my letting things slide farther than they should have ever gone.

having good buddies really helps. its hard when all your friends are busy and all you want to do is have someone distract you from your pain. thats when you really just need to sink back to your comfort zones, be it mindlessly playing games, listening to music at really loud volumes, or reading a good book, or watching movies. just do what you enjoy, try to avoid things that would remind you of her though. especially music. (for me that was the hardest - still is) but renting new movies, hell I joined netflix so I could watch obscure movies that I havent even heard about. (i'd recommend it btw, instant streaming ftw!)

[luciusad2004]

I don't think there was much we did "wrong" doing our time together, we weren't perfect, but I never felt like she treated me poorly or vice versa. If I had to pick anything to have learned I would say that the openess of our talks after the breakup showed me how good it is to be open with the person you love wich is something I've never been good at. Im sure I realize more as time goes on and I reflect on things though.

I'm pretty sure im gonna hook my xbox back up though im not sure how much I'll play it. I just need something to do after work lol.

Call it childish, immature or whatever.... but I bought this little guy
http://i91.photobucket.com/albums/k314/luciusad2004/Picture.jpg
I've always loved Domo and he's surprisingly comforting. And When Im angry I can squeeze him and he just doesn't care. LOL im so dumb sometimes. I woke up at 3 in the morning and just saw him staring at me and couldn't help but smile.

[Luke122]

DOMO!
:D:D:D

Xbox is great.. get Burnout 3! Amazingly good therapy when you are angry. The "road rage" game mode is a life saver.

[Liquid_Scope_99]

hey man sorry to hyar about the break up but ,I have been there the guys are right with there advice to avoid her .
Man i have been there i know that dosent help and is what everyone says .
You will get through it an dlok aback at it years from now like i did loo kat your wife now and be glad it happened did i was the guy that married my former wife to be went through pure hell.
I really feel for the guy

[luciusad2004]

I think im getting seriously depressed. I don't know what to do.

[blueonblack]

Of course you are. That's part of the transition and to be expected. You were wrapped up with her for a long time, you're not going to rebound overnight.

As many have said, keep as busy as you can. Do you exercise? That really helps me sometimes, to go work out (in one form or another) until I can barely move. Just feels like it gets something out of me, and I feel better afterward. Just about anything strenuous will do.

Just a thought.

[luciusad2004]

Of course you are. That's part of the transition and to be expected. You were wrapped up with her for a long time, you're not going to rebound overnight.

As many have said, keep as busy as you can. Do you exercise? That really helps me sometimes, to go work out (in one form or another) until I can barely move. Just feels like it gets something out of me, and I feel better afterward. Just about anything strenuous will do.

Just a thought.

I don't really do anything. I try to stay out when I'm not working, a lot of times I end up at work on days off just to see my coworkers. I don't really have anywhere to go though. But at night after I get home I just sit in my room and do nothing. I try to talk to my friends as long as I can but eventually they all have to go to bed. I get lonely and feel like I don't really have anything left, or any place.

My mind starts to wander and sometimes I have disturbing thoughts about myself. Idk what to do.

I'm fine most of the day as long as i can keep distracted.

[billygoat333]

exercise is a healthy way to overcome depression. look up "runner's high" if you don't believe me. :P

If exercise isn't your bag of tea, try reading. A lot of the time, sitting down with a funny or intense book will clear my mind and put me at ease enough to fall asleep. I suggest Chuck Palahnuik. If you haven't read anything by him, DO IT NOW! He is an amazing satirist and is scathingly funny. If you have watched Fight Club and loved it, you will love him (obviously because he wrote the book that the movie really really closely follows) I suggest Choke. great book.

Watch some family guy or south park. Always cheers me up anyways. Futurama is another good funny cartoon too. :)

Just remember, you will get through this. Its hard right now, but **** will look better in as short as a month or two. just gotta tough it out. To quote a Nine Inch Nails song title, the way out is through. :)

[Luke122]

Absolutely! Just keep yourself busy. Like I said, if you need to chat, send me a message. I'm online alot. If not here, then email or facebook. :)

[billygoat333]

same here. I am usually up all night (I work a night job) so if you are up late and need someone to chat to, hit me up. :)

[luciusad2004]

Thanks guys. I really appreciate it.I have a hard time going to bed so I'm up all night anymore. Think I slept 3 1/2 - 4 hours last night. I sleep fine just never wanna go to bed anymore.